16 Ambitious Black Women with ADHD, Depression, Grief and Big Goals

The Reality of Being Ambitious Black Women with ADHD and Big Goals

Welcome to the (first of many) Black Woman Bliss Yap Sessions! 

Girl, Q1 of 2026 took me out! This is not how I envisioned my year! Everything from business launches, heartbreak, food poisoning, a doggy cancer diagnosis, and a depressive episode... tapped ya girl out! 

I decided to take a breather and create this pretty raw yap session! I know sharing the reality of sharing what it looks like and feels like to build a life you love, even when nothing is going right. 

In this episode, I share more about my mental health journey, how I've been coping with my Dog's Osteosarcoma diagnosis, the different empty cup dynamic that mission-driven Black women face and what my goals are for this quarter. 

I'm sharing some of the huge lessons I'm learning as a growing business owner and some inspirational thoughts to help you continue to choose your bliss even when life seems out of control!

Make sure to subscribe to listen to the podcast anywhere, including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, and more! 

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Black Woman Bliss Webinar: https://www.mercedesswan.com/bliss

The Black Woman Bliss Webinar shares my journey navigating workplace induced anxiety and depression to overcoming it to build a thriving career and business. Learn more about how Black Woman Bliss can help you create a career, business and life you love, even when it doesn't feel so blissful! 

Register for Free: https://www.mercedesswan.com/bliss

Work with Mercedes Swan:

Mercedes loves coaching and mentoring Black women who are launching their job search, learning to navigate the workplace with confidence or are planning their 9-5 exit by building a business she loves.

Connect with Mercedes here to explore 1:1 Coaching or Mentoring: https://www.mercedesswan.com/connect

Transcripts

Mercedes Swan (00:01.598)
Well, hello there, boo. This is Mercedes and welcome to the first Black Woman Bliss official YAP session. That's probably too many words to just say that I've been thinking a lot about, you know, the goals of this podcast, what I want to accomplish, the dreams that I have for myself and my business in.

the Black Woman Bliss brand. And if you've been hanging out, you know, you one of the girls, okay, you know that I've been shifting a lot of things in my branding and the approach and design of my business. And so, you know, we talk about career, talk about business, talk about life, but in the ideal Black Woman Bliss world, all of those things align. And so I've been deep in thought. I mean, I feel like I've been deep in thought for over a year and a half, you know, just in.

all of the lessons and changes and shifts that I've seen in myself as well as my business and what my goals are and all of those things. But for me, I wanted the podcast to also have, feel like a conversation sometimes, right? Cause I love my guests. I love when we have guests, we get to really talk about like real lessons and the journey. And I love my more, you know, tangible episodes where I'm really sharing advice, but I did just want to.

I've been through a lot this past month and so I did just want to come and just chat with you all. And I do think that like more of Black Woman Bliss is about sharing more about what bliss looks like in practice. Not just the tips and the strategies, but wanting to share a little bit about my life. had like our awesome guest, we talked a little bit about the soft life that won't come out for a little while because your girl is like has so many guests, which is like an awesome problem to have.

But there's just been so much that I've been thinking about and I kind of want to share kind of all of my life updates, the rebrand, like ADHD, me dealing with depression right now, honestly, which is why I'm just kind of being like, you know what, I'm gonna show up as myself and show up as real. That's what I encourage you all to do, like show up and find what feels good in whatever space you're in. I think that's what bliss is. And so I am doing that and I really felt.

Mercedes Swan (02:09.678)
that I wanted to record this podcast, I would have a little yap session with you all. So, know, hang out, have fun. Let me know what you think in the comments. And of course, you know, join me in the Black Wombs Bliss community if you have any reflections or things that you want to share back with me after you watch or listen to this podcast episode. So let's...

rewind all the way back to the beginning of the year, right? I was feeling very clear on the vision. Actually, I'm still very clear on the vision. Like I said that like as though it was a past tense. I do feel very clear on the vision. And I feel like for a little while there, I was really lost in a big vision that I have for my life. And I think that one of the, you know, I talk about how I'm on my spiritual path, right? I don't identify as Christian. I identify as somebody who believes in God and has a

a spiritual journey that I'm on. And just because of that, I feel like there's lots of different messages and goals and things that I'm hearing in my life that tell me like, hey, you want to know everything. You have all these goals. You want to see where everything is going. And that's great. But we did show you the big vision. You crashed out a little bit. I didn't crash out fully, but I think it was just really big. And there were a lot of things that I wanted to do and just figuring out.

What's the goal and what's the right time? And I think that in a lot of this, my goal is truly to help Black women go on their journey to bliss, whatever that looks like, right? If that's having a career that you're deeply passionate about, if that is having a business that allows you the freedom that you want, if you want to totally let go of all of that and start to define your lifestyle and things like that, that is what.

I have designed and what I've created for Black women to support Black women, right? It's what's in the community. It's what's in my training portal. It's part of how I coach Black women to prioritize bliss. And I think that as I went through this, I saw these really big goals. And I think that I really defaulted back into a lot of the self-sacrificing, centering others behavior, right? That truly a lot of us learn in the workplace, right? We believe that

Mercedes Swan (04:18.55)
if we show up and we do all of the right things in all of the right ways that somebody will see us, that somebody will reward us for that. And we just believe that if we just keep giving and giving and giving, it'll eventually come back. And I do think that karma is real, good energy is real, putting your best effort into the world to do what it is that you feel like you're passionate about doing and positively impacting the world is absolutely something that comes back to you.

But I think in some of the ways, like the lessons that I was meant to learn right now is really seeing the difference in what it does mean to give from an empty cup in a way that I've not seen that before, right? And I think that in my perspective and some of the things that how I was showing up and what I was doing, I think that I just expected a certain type, a certain type of fill up of that cup to happen.

And it didn't quite feel that way and I will I guess get a little bit wrong like specific specifically in terms of how I show up in community and how I would expect others to show up that honestly left me a little bit heartbroken I'm not gonna lie. No name in the name. They're saying nothing But I am just saying that I really did hurt my feelings like your girl had her feelings hurt Okay from tail end to last year all the way up until a couple a month ago or so just with different interactions that I've had that really just broke my heart

And so that told me that even though I might pour into community spaces and to even specific individuals in that particular way, it's not really fair for me to have assumptions about how people show up in community. And likewise, I think there was a couple of things that I was expecting people to invest in themselves and see the value in some of my coaching and how I was showing up to support people. And really that's not what that person wanted or how they wanted to show up.

And as a coach, I know that so many of those things are important and that we do need support that is professional support, right? Not just like family and friends, like, yes, we need that. But I mean, like sometimes when we're trying to grow and learn and put ourselves on a different path specifically to bliss, like coaching is something that can really help you. Getting professional consulting is something that can really help you. And so it's actually taken a back for a lot of the...

Mercedes Swan (06:41.922)
things that I was seeing of people actually not being willing to invest in themselves. And I don't mean that from a perspective of like, if you don't got it financially, I mean the perspective of somebody wanting to invest in themselves at the way that they should be to see different results and not really leaning into the resources and guidance and expertise that is there, even when it would be something that would benefit them. So it just has been really a lot of reflections that I've had about building

building my business, building the Black Woman Blessed community, and really getting back to feeling like I'm centering myself and feeling like I have enough in my cup. A lot of this was actually really brought on because in the new year, I had so many big goals. I set them all. I will put an overlay of my big quarterly planning. I had a big annual calendar, excuse me, and I was doing quarterly planning on that.

And it was kind of loosely based on the 12-week year, but you also know if you watch any of my videos, I do like quarterly planning and quarterly reflections and monthly reviews. And they're things that help me be accountable and set really good goals. And those are the things that have honestly allowed me to have a thriving career that led me build my business. So let me exit my nine to five to be in business full-time, to be able to build the Black Women's Less Community and all of those other things.

And so I hit January running, like everything that I said I was going to do, everything that I said I wanted, I wanted to do, the experiences that I wanted to have, the things that I wanted to set up happened in January. And I began the rebrand right, for wanting to really pull apart the two divisions of my company, right, my organization, which I regard as a social impact organization is called Career Love, right? And so it's

Part of this is like, yes, making sure that Black women love their careers and also if they want to exit that to build their own businesses, that they can do that. But also just wanting to not forget about the impact and the knowledge and expertise that I can leverage with employers based on my background experience and also what it really feels like to hear and listen to and see what Black women have to navigate, not just from my own perspective, but as being a coach.

Mercedes Swan (09:04.174)
and being able to use that information to actually create liberatory work environments, right? So that is my big goal. And I knew for me, like I left DEI, I left my nine to five. I mean, there things that I wanted to experience that I know I can't experience with a nine to five, right? But I just, I was in a really, a place where I was like, I do not wanna be teaching people about DEI right now. Like the 2024 election just really did a lot to me mentally, right? Of just...

seeing the world as a place where we can grow and people can learn from, I don't want to say mistakes, people can learn to be better, right? And if their upbringing and their worldview is based on racism and discriminatory beliefs and bias and all of those things, right? You know, like at some point we're going to reach them off, right? With education, right? And so I think my heart did break a little bit, you know, in

I'm tail end of last year with the election, sorry, till end of 2024 with the elections. And I was just like, I don't even want to think about doing any DEI or allyship training or anything like that, right? But I also have this really big vision of what that will look like to really build out and have an evidence-based consulting practice around liberation in the workplace, right? So I think of...

central part of my brand is going to be liberation. I have gone on an ADHD rant. I'm coming back. So there are all of these things I was setting in place to really bring that into fruition. And I'm not saying that those things have gone away. I'm just saying that by the time I got to February, it became really rough. Okay. So in February running got everything in order. I've got my schedule.

Like my organization, the practices that I'm setting up are like going really well. getting into like my content strategy is where it should be and I'm feeling really good, right? I haven't started to like pick up brand deals again. I was like, yes, on the right track. Okay, this is where I need to be. And then I got food poisoning. I went out to get sushi with my fiance and I got, I think food poisoning from the sushi.

Mercedes Swan (11:20.878)
And the food poisoning was so bad that I was like out of it for a week. Like I had the worst stomach pain, everything else that comes with food poisoning that we're not going to talk about right now. And like it just totally took me off track and I was like in bed for a week. And I was like, do you know how demoralizing it is when you are like locked in, like you're really locked in and you have something like food poisoning just take you out of the game?

Man, I just got to deal with this, right? I'm not working with this level of food-based pain. And my gosh, I was in and out of the doctor's office because I was like, I've never had food poisoning like this. I must've had some E. coli, I don't know, something. It wasn't no walk in the park food poisoning, okay? So once I got past that, was almost a week of just getting back to normal, getting back in the rhythm, trying to reorganize.

And then I think it was maybe two weeks of getting things back in order. And then it was at the end of February or I think it was the end of February. My dog, comes in like from a walk and I'm gonna like cry, but that's fine. He comes in from a walk, he eats dinner and he just starts screaming. And like, it was just the worst sound ever. And it was, I've never heard it make a sound like that ever, ever, ever. So much so that we actually thought it was like the beagle.

making that noise because it was just such a high pitched scream and I have a big bully, okay? My baby is a chunky boy, okay? He makes wooing deep sounds, okay? He doesn't really whine like that. Even his whine kind of sounds a little bit more like, you know, deep. And so it was very jarring. And so I say, well, it's like five o'clock, the vet is closed. Like if we have to take him somewhere, it's going to be the emergency vet. So we'll just see.

Like we don't know what's happening. and he's holding up his like arm. And I was like, we'll see if he can make it till morning. So it's like 10 o'clock at night. He's been sleeping. He's not whining and he's not screaming, but he will not put like any pain on that like leg. We try and take him out at like 10 o'clock to see if like he'll go to the bathroom and he just looks so distressed. He's shaking. It was cold. So I'm sure that wasn't.

Mercedes Swan (13:46.07)
any better and I was like, okay, I guess we are going to the emergency vet. So we go to the emergency vet and they do the intake. say he's in a lot of pain and I was like, okay, so they make sure he gets all hooked up. And because of the level of like, it's just stuff that was going on, like I think two people put their dogs down that night. Like lots of people crying in the waiting room and you're like, you know, my dog's alive.

Also, I'm really tired, but my dog's alive. And so because he wasn't like really high on the triage list, he was at least on the pain medication, but we were literally there for like eight hours waiting to be seen so that we could go home, because we couldn't leave before he got seen. It was just like...

I was happy that he wasn't in pain, but it was like really rough just waiting for like literally eight hours from like midnight by the time we got there until literally almost eight in the morning. And they were like, I don't know if they told me that night or they told me later, but they were like, we see something in his arm and it kind of doesn't look good. And then the next day, I think it was maybe like they got the results back and they found out that it was osteosarcoma.

which is a really bad, I'm just saying all the things that I said this was a little yapp session, right? It's a really yapp session, I'm just yapping. So, which I usually don't try and do this. So this is a little bit new, that's fine. So they said it was osteosarcoma and it's a really aggressive, really bad bone cancer for dogs. And I was like devastated because well, if you've watched like, you know, that's my baby. Like I don't plan to have kids.

I don't even plan to have another dog because I don't even know. I don't even know how I would make it through like doing this again or having like this experience again. Like this has been really heartbreaking for me. But I was like, he's not that old. You know, I mean, he's like seven or eight. I mean, you know, I've had him for seven, almost eight years. Right. So he's not I mean, he's not a young dog, but he's not old. Like he's not like a senior dog.

Mercedes Swan (16:01.6)
And so I was just really heartbroken because it just seemed like it came out of nowhere, right? And so then we're hearing all of the things, like all of the options and it's like an amputation, chemo, you can put him down. And I was like, my gosh, like it was so much to go through after being sleep deprived, hearing his awful pains and just like seeing him in the animal hospital was not fun. So it was just a rough week. Like I was just going.

And so then they're like, okay, well, we're gonna let you take him home. And I was like, but he's in a lot of pain. He can't walk on one leg. Like, this just seems a lot. So there was a whole entire week where I'm like literally helping him walk with like a dog sling and my fiance's helping me too. Like, thank God for him. Bless that man. That's a good man. And just like, it was so much.

So then he finally gets in, he gets his, like for his surgery, because the only way that like it's too painful to have that, he had to have the amputation. So he gets the amputation. There was no saving the leg basically, like cancer was eating at the bone. So he gets the amputation and it's a rough couple of days afterwards, of course, seeing, helping him walk, you know, without one leg, him wearing off all of the anesthesia, like.

taking him on walks, making sure like his behavior and mood is normal, trying to manage his pain. And I think like maybe a couple of days after surgery, he just like started randomly screaming and like in high succession, it was just really, really bad. And so I'm like in and out of the vet, trying to figure out why he's screaming, like why he's in pain because he's not supposed to have like pain.

like based on that surgery and kind of what typically happens. So anyway, in another vet, we find out that he maybe has an encapsulated nerve in one of the sutures and he's in a lot of pain and it was just like, again, so we've already gone through like two weeks of like post-amputation. Then we're like two and three weeks after amputation, just trying to like figure it out and like make sure he's comfortable and like.

Mercedes Swan (18:15.404)
You know, he's bored in the house and like everything else like is just rough. So I finally get to a stage where like I just like can't deal with it anymore. Like I'm like this is like I am in constant anxiety of like he's going to be in pain. He's screaming and like I just don't like, I don't know the anxiety of it. And it was just like we hearing all of the like screams like it was just like a lot. So then.

I feel like we're kind of getting back to like normal. I'm taking my anti-anxiety meds. And when I tell you, I don't know if you've dealt with this before, but it's like when your body kind of knows, like this happened to me all the time, right? You're sick. You have a really stressful situation, whatever is causing strain on your body. And it's almost like your body knows, like your body, like you can't handle a period.

right now and so it kind of holds it. Like my period was late when I had the food poisoning and my period was late absolutely when I was dealing with all this stress and I feel like it knows. It just knows when you're like back to like feeling okay enough to deal with menstruation. Like do you know what I'm talking about? Your body just knows. I don't know. Like please let me know if you've like had this experience. Like I don't want to feel alone at this. Anyway, so I...

kind of tease a little bit of like talking about ADHD and depression, right? Because I know anytime I go talk to like healthcare providers, they're like, why are you using that language and blah, blah, blah? And it's like, cause I was a psychology major and like I do understand like diagnoses and like generally, right? Like how your transmitters work and like different dynamics, like with brain chemistry and whatever. I'm not saying like I went to go get like a master's or PhD yet.

in those areas, but I kind of know enough to understand the dynamics of hormones and brain chemistry and those types of things. And so over the course of making this realization, I feel like I, well, let's say this, self-diagnosed ADHD, went to a therapist to kind of talk about it. Therapist talked with me through that, was like, yeah, seems like you probably do. Then I went to an actual therapist.

Mercedes Swan (20:34.05)
got prescribed ADHD medication did not do well on that medication. It actually made me really sick. I only tried it one time. I never tried it again, but I did take the Lexapro and kind of learning more about the different comorbidities that come with ADHD, like anxiety and depression. And I think OCD, not OCD in itself, but like obsessive compulsive behaviors can kind of come with it too. But one of the things that I started learning about more recently was

But one of the things I started learning about more recently was PMDD, which I don't remember what I mean. I know what it stands for. It's like.

just something disorder, but it's related to your, it's like PMS, but like much worse, right? And so I'd have like really big mood swings, really painful cramps, all of the like really big challenges. So there was just a lot of things where I was just like, I don't know, this seems like really extreme for like a period, right? Over time. And I feel like I had started to watch some like TikTok videos at

who were talking about like certain medications or things to take prior to that. One of them was an antihistamine and I found out that like, anyway, one of my anxiety meds, which I don't take regularly, I'm not supposed to, it's just for like really anxious times. I'm very much yapping right now. That's fine. Anyway, I found out that like sometimes those things can actually be helpful for PMDD. So I tried to start taking that around the time that I thought my period.

might be coming up and I did find that it would be helpful. So anyway, I do have a sneaky suspicion that I do have PMDD, but it's not like something that you could go test for. That being said, I think because of the timing of me needing more time to like decompress from the entire thing and just get some rest and like ease my mind, my period starting and all of the hormones starting around that same time, I think led to me like going into like

Mercedes Swan (22:34.134)
a depressive spiral or kind of like a depressive episode. And so yeah, that was really rough. I always know for me for depression specifically, like if I don't feel excited to do things in my business or excited to do hobbies or go places, then that's pretty much a big sign for me that I am dealing with depression again. One of things I always talk about is just like it is one of my biggest regrets, I think,

for staying in a toxic job so long and having that put me into a state of depression was that my body will kind of always know what it feels to be depressed. And I kind of just like sits in my head, like, I more susceptible to having depressive moods or changes? Because I know what that feels like and, you know, is it normalized that in my body? And I feel like that's maybe, I don't know if there's research on it out there. I'd love to know if you know.

but I think it was just one of those things where I'm just like, yeah, this is something.

Sorry, there's a lot of cars outside.

Anyway, so I was just here sitting and saying like, this is something that my body knows now and it makes me deeply sad in that it does. Anxiety too. I feel like I've always kind of had like a generalized anxiety that I just dealt with and I coped with until it was too much with the depression. I'm not going to talk about like my first spell of depression with my toxic job. I actually talk about that in quite a few videos.

Mercedes Swan (24:11.434)
And I actually do talk about kind of my journey with overcoming that in the Black Women Bliss webinar. So I will link that below if you kind of want to know a little bit about my journey at that time of trying to build my business, trying to have a successful career, like navigate a job search all while being depressed. And of course, as Black women, we know a lot of us deal with high functioning depression. That was absolutely what I was, okay?

So if that's something that you want to learn more about you can like go watch the webinar I'm just talking about this journey right now Okay, so Yeah, so that feeling of like I'm not excited. I don't want to be or do anything And if you know me, know, I'm like an ambitious person. I'm a person that like wants to go for my dreams I'm a person that like feels and I feel deeply and there are things I really want to accomplish deeply so

It's really, really odd and extremely unsettling when I feel that way because it just doesn't feel like me. It feels like I'm in somebody else's body living somebody else's life because I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't mean that to be like, you know, like, I don't know, like a cocky thing. It's not. It just means that it's like so far removed from like who I am that like something has deeply gone wrong. Like that's how I feel about it. Okay. Like it's rough.

So I was like, okay, I need to go make an appointment to go see my doctor and try and get some antidepressants. Now, here's the thing. Okay, the day that I went to go get the antidepressants, I had maybe been feeling like this for maybe three or four days, but I knew I was going into town because I live in a rural area. So I knew I was going out to town to go get...

excuse me, going to take my dog to his first chemo, which went really well. We're still like in that period of time of making sure things are going well. By his first chemo, know chemo for a dog is crazy, but that's my baby. So anyway, so I go into town, like I'm meeting with, you know, my doctor, yes, for Black doctors. And I was like, listen, in the back of my head, I know that I don't want to do Lexapro again.

Mercedes Swan (26:29.496)
but I've also been seeing Wellbutrin online everywhere. I didn't wanna go in there and be like, can I get some Wellbutrin? Like I didn't wanna go in there and sound like that, but I was also like, can I get some Wellbutrin? Because it's what I've been seeing online working for ADHD brains and of course for depression, right? So I went and I was kinda talking to her, was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure like I'm in a depressive episode, like things have just been really rough.

And it was very funny. Like, so she said to me, she was like, well, if you don't have the specific neurotransmitters, I can't remember which names they are, right? The neurotransmitters that impact the like depression. was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure that I do have a lack of those specific neurotransmitters, but I just do a good job of like, you know, kind of managing and coping and making sure that I have things that kind of spark joy and things like that, that kind of keep me motivated and moving forward.

But I'm pretty sure that my brain is completely done and I have no positive words to say to myself anymore. Like I positivity coped my way through this as much as I possibly can. So I'm gonna need some drugs now. And so was like, yeah, I don't really want Lexapro because I do know like for the time and the space that I was in, like I absolutely needed Lexapro at that time. But I didn't want to get it again because I felt, I mean,

The way that I describe it is feeling like muted. And right, I told you, like not feeling myself and like that passion and that drive is one of the scariest things to me. And so, of course, not feeling like life is meaningless before being on Lexapro is absolutely improvement to have Lexapro. it's absolutely what I needed at the time. But I didn't like that kind of like dry feeling, I guess. But people call it like feeling like a zombie. And so I told her, I was like,

You know, Lexapro worked for that time. Like if it's not other options that I could have for this, like I would go back on Lexapro before feeling like feeling how I do now. but I would love to have something that, you know, works more with ADHD brains and, or would it be a drawback for an ADHD brains? or for myself? No, no, I'm just generalizing that for my ADHD brain.

Mercedes Swan (28:45.71)
And so she was like, we can try the Wellbutrin. And I was like, great. And in the back of my head, I'm like screaming, but I also don't want her to judge me because like, of course I've already like self-diagnosed and like self-prescribed, like all of these issues that I know that I'm facing. So I'm like, yeah, based on what I've seen so far, like Wellbutrin sounds like it would be a great, great option for me. Yes, for this, but like long-term, hopefully like as an ADHD medication, because I did not like Strichara. Okay. I was like, I'll try some Vyvanse Maybe I see some great things about that.

but I also see like the down, like the down things. And I was like, I just need a little bit of, a little bit of like something to get me through right now. Anyway, so right now I am on Velbutrin and then also I'm on the same anti-anxiety medication which absolutely does help. So I feel like that's kind of been getting me into a better space of like being more comfortable with like the unknown with my dog trying to get back to.

normalcy in my business. But I think one of the things that I want to share, which I think is a really big lesson for me right now, I talked about the lesson of

the cup, right? And I think that like, my gosh, the cup feels like, I think in the way that I've defined the empty cup, right? Is like, okay, well, I'm overly doing things in my business, in my career and in life, right? In a way that like, you just don't have any energy, right? But I think in some of the ways, like I was doing things that I felt like would fill my cup back up because it's the right thing to do. Like, do you get what I'm saying? It's like, it's not that you don't

You want to do good things in the world because it's the right thing to do. You want to do good things in the world because it's what you're passionate about. Sorry, that's a really weird noise outside.

Mercedes Swan (30:41.39)
It's shaking the whole house.

What is that?

Mercedes Swan (30:55.086)
Okay, anyway, we're coming back. So sorry, you want to do good things in the world because it's the right thing to do. You do good things in the world because you want those things to happen. I can't believe I came back from that. You know what? going to give it when you give a hand clap with a little featuring because I was really I didn't even say what did I say? I already knew what I was gonna say. Anyway, so you want to do good things in the world because

you want to see the world be a better place. You want to see people change and have a good life. You want to see people do better, the world just be better, right? And I think that one of the probably lessons that I'm learning or that I am learning is that just doing the good things because you know it's good is not necessarily going to fill up your cup.

And I feel like a lot of the Black women who are passion driven and like they're in nonprofits or they have a mission driven organization or they have a social impact organization like myself, like we get into that logic, right? Like I'm gonna be fulfilled when I see people like excited and happy. And one of the really hard lessons that, I like, part of me like doesn't, isn't even sure that I wanna share this lesson because I feel like there's so many ways that people who haven't been in that situation before will not understand.

But a lot of times when you are giving and you are wanting to help people, like for instance, when I hosted the Clarity Challenge in January, right? And one of the things that I wanted to do is really put like everything, like all of the information, all of the help. I don't want to say I overwhelm people, but what I'm saying is like, if you're really going to transform your life and you are making this commitment and we're using the energy of the new year that we all come in with that new, this is my year kind of energy, right?

invest all this time and energy into a space. And you see only a fraction, like 10 % of the women who come to that event really put in the work after the event to continue doing a thing. And that could be like women that chose to like implement what they got clear on in that clarity challenge independently, or people that chose to work with me afterwards. I'm not like putting this in a pile of like paid or non paid, but just seeing overall like

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after that, the amount of Black women that made a big commitment going into that challenge that they were going to get clear and implement their vision that they have for their lives. And the amount of Black women that I've seen act on that in my community or otherwise is a little disheartening. And so I was sitting here thinking in this dialogue of saying, you can really invest and you can put all of this energy into trying to help as many people as you can, but you can't help.

you're expecting all of that energy to somehow fill your cup because you're gonna see all of these women's lives transformed, right and You don't have any and and you don't get that you don't get to see that You don't see the transformation or you don't get the affirmation because I am a words of affirmation girl I'm not gonna I'm not gonna hold you right or you don't see any of them make the choice to work with you because They're not because they don't see the value in that they don't see the value in the implementation of the support

of that, right? And I don't mean this to say that it's an indictment of people having to work with me because I did a free thing. I'm talking about the investment in time and energy to actually pursuing your dreams, right? And whether you do that yourself or whether you work with somebody to do that, like there has to be some forward momentum. And I would love to see it as like the, the, the efforts of my labor of like creating.

the space and this time and things like that, right? And I didn't see that. And I realized that that kind of left me on like empty, right? Just not seeing that transformation. Now, if you're like one of the Black women who join and like you've been very active and you're doing, I don't even mean active in the group. Like I see y'all on LinkedIn, okay? Like I see y'all like on TikTok if y'all are following me and I'm following you back, like I see y'all doing it, right? And the sad part is that like there's only a small.

portion of women I saw in that challenge or who have been in the community in some way, shape or form, like really implementing those things. And it really began to like, like just kind of like break my heart, but also was realizing that all of the time and energy that I was investing in that was not really being returned in terms of actually seeing that positive output. Right. And in reality, I think the women who are really invested in time and energy and show up to community events and

Mercedes Swan (35:24.53)
and decide to work on coaching other women who are really committed to that, right? And so then it became this idea of saying, like, okay, I'm investing all of this time. I'm working, I'm actually draining from my cup instead of filling it back up with all of these activities and things. What is actually filling up my cup, right? What's gonna allow me to see the positive impact in the work that I'm doing, right? And that really led me to feel like, hey, I really need to one.

like really reevaluate like how I'm spending my time and my energy and like what is really driving the impact for community members and people that I'm working with and for Black women in general. And I think that for me, know, things like the clarity challenge and just the free events and things like that, I wasn't really seeing the return on investment. And I think that over time, right, I realized that there was a lot of time and energy spent in those things I wasn't really feeling.

like I wasn't seeing a return on investment in whatever way, or form, whether that was like impact or financially, right? Okay. So when I went through this whole journey of now feeling depressed and not having anything in that cup, like at all, because it's all been drained by doggy stuff. Like there's no more free energy to give freely and to hope that like, there's going to be people that really make an impact in that way. And again, this is not for the ladies. Like I know y'all.

y'all ladies who are doing stuff, okay? This is not for you, right? But for the spaces and time and energy that I was really investing in and how I didn't have any of that energy anymore because I was dealing with so much with my dog and just frustrations with not being able to really work in my business the way that I wanted to, like I had to choose a thing and I just decided that I was going to step back from.

a lot of the events that I was hosting in the community because I just needed time and space, right? I'm going to be honest with y'all. There was a little moment there, that depression really hit. I'm telling y'all, that hit. was like, maybe I'm not going to do the community anymore. Maybe I'm not going to do the free community anymore. Let me correct myself, right? Because where is that time and energy going and who is it impacting and is it worthwhile, right?

Mercedes Swan (37:38.73)
And as much as I want to believe that like, if you give people space and free stuff and energy, that that does lead to transformation, based on this experience, I'm not sure that it does. And I know that kind of sounds really rough. Like I feel like some people are gonna get mad at what I just said, because it doesn't mean that I don't wanna support community, but it also means like, what is actually going to be the driving factor of how people actually transform the world, right?

Like if I'm focusing on my time and energy on a group of Black women, not necessarily based on their background experience or ability to pay, but based on their commitment to actually do the things that they say they want to do that positively impact the world. Like for the ladies in there, y'all know. Like the ladies who show up to all of the mock interviews because you know that you want the job. For the ladies who are launching their coaching business, right?

who are saying that they want to do, like that's the impact that I want to make. And I want to see people really show up and see their lives being changed. And I had to really like grapple with that idea of where is the best use of my time and energy and also to what extent am I investing time and energy to something that doesn't have a positive ROI, either financially or spiritually or energetically in terms of impact. Right.

Because social impact is the goal, right? If I'm not making impact, then what am I doing? So I felt honestly a little lonely for a little bit because I told you I was like really frustrated about some of those heartbreaks and I was really frustrated with some of the dynamics that I was seeing and also like personal life where I just felt like I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to cocoon. And I like decided that one of the easiest ways to do that was to just kind of break off like any

group sessions that I was doing that wasn't a paid group session, I decided to not really start answering my DMs and my messages and all of the messages that I get on a daily basis. There was a very interesting threads dialogue that I was having, which I feel like it must be a canon event for people who grow. I was listening to this clip just before I started recording this podcast. It was Kev on stage and he said something that

Mercedes Swan (40:01.804)
Like I feel like you don't get it until you're there. You don't get it until you're building a platform and you're profitable and you see like how lever like decisions and like what the levers are in your business. And he says is like in order to be successful, you have to be like very serious about your money. And like, I believe that if I'm serious about my money, then I'll be able to have more impact down the line. And I think that what I have to be right now is very serious about my money.

And I feel like people are like, yeah, I want to be serious about my money to have on stage, but I feel like you don't really know. You don't really know until you're like in this space of like, I'm creating a community in some way, or form. And like, there are some community things that are monetized and there are some that are not. And I'm not saying that community, all community should be monetized. Which is why I have a free group, right? Right. Like we need spaces. But I also think that if we're not really building in community, like is that really doing what it's supposed to anyway, which is a whole nother story.

I don't know if I'm ready to really talk about my reflections on community for this year, right? And I don't mean like the Black Woman Bliss community. I mean like some really weird things that I just have had show up in community over the past year and a half. Anyway, that being said, like I really understood like what he meant by that.

I think in a different way than I had before, right? And I think that shifts how I am choosing to move forward and how I'm kind of centering myself and what I choose to do or what I choose to say and how I show up. And I do really think that means that I am going to protect my energy much more. I think I was very open. I think that I was really wanting to be helpful. And I think that kind of the time that I took from like being able to leave my nine to five, I think I really invested.

way too much of that time and kind of support activities and things that didn't really support my growth or development or the growth of my business. Now, a lot of this is of course was like figuring out things. I don't mean it that way, but I mean, I think there's some going to be some really big changes and how I show up doesn't mean that I'm not going to be for and about Black women all day every day, but I am really going to be protecting my energy, my space, my time because I feel, I don't know, it just feels like this very like.

Mercedes Swan (42:14.9)
open. Like it feels like I'm too open, too vulnerable sometimes. And that's kind of been the perspective of going through this journey so far this year. And I think the big lesson that I needed to learn, and if I looked at it, I was like, I don't want to learn this lesson. Like I wish that like, people just like did what they said they were going to do and show up and do this. But I think it's a lesson that I had to learn, right? And I think that as you grow, like it might not make sense to you right now, but it will later.

as you're growing your platform and you have so many people messaging you and asking you for help and asking you for emotional support and all the other things, right? Okay. So I talked a little bit about like just this journey and kind of a lesson and like this is a YAP session about like my reflections on the depression and the anxiety and like community harms and things like that that I feel like I'm navigating and what that means for me showing up.

I think I'm in a really good space with kind of the new boundaries that I'm putting into place. And so I think one of those honestly will be like, hey, if you want to connect with me, you want to like, you want to ask me questions, you want to be able to like connect on a deeper level, then I will see you in the Black Women Bliss community. I'm not in a space anymore where I'm going to be shoveling that out, like online, right? It's just too much.

But I do hope that like if you're listening to this and you do feel like whatever I shared has resonated with you and you feel like you connect with it and you want to share your reflections and you want to actually show up in community spaces, then I would absolutely love for you to join the Black Women Bliss community. For right now, you know, I'm not doing any of my live events, but I have two amazing facilitators that are still really committed and I appreciate them every day for really showing up and being the community that.

I needed for checking on me for showing up and continuing to do the community space events, even though I need a little bit of a break. And so thank you to you ladies. really appreciate you. And I see you and I thank you. But if you are a Black woman who does want to build with other Black women who are building careers and businesses and lifestyles that we love, I would encourage you to join whether that's a free version or you want to upgrade to the paid version, which of course offers

Mercedes Swan (44:30.784)
lots of training, group coaching, and other resources to really help you move forward on your journey to bliss, then that's on you, but you can find more information about that below. So I think I wanted to share just some exciting updates in terms of business development. So I started this the beginning of this year really saying, hey, there are some really big goals that I have in terms of mapping out.

this business and this business, right? And I think there are some shifts that I found like in terms of what's working, what's not working in my business, what I want to scale, what I want to pull back on. But I was really excited to see the ways that I was really showing up to define those things. And it led to a very like interesting dynamic, which feels like very humbling, honestly, which was the fact that I like showed up.

like 75 % less because I just couldn't show up like on social media and in the community and email like anything that is like marketing my business or whatever. And I had way more sales. So like, anyway, from that regard, like it's going great. If you want to work with me as your coach, like I'm on my Wellbutrin I have my anxiety meds. I'm ready to serve you. My clients have had a great time this time either way.

I've had more energy for them, honestly. And also I've just like, I'm just, I'm not, I don't have all the energy right now. I'm here to support you, but I might not be my normal raw, bubbly self, but I'm here. The strategy is still here. The expertise is still here. The big goofy smile might not. check you next time. But anyway, I'm really, I'm getting, you know, back to more of my normal.

But I think it's been truly a lesson, like from a manifestation standpoint, that a lot of times our biggest growth and our biggest shifts and change really just has to do with learning the lessons that we have needed to learn, right? And I really do feel like this is a pivotal lesson for me to learn in all of this, to really prioritize energy and time and space and impact and really understand the dynamics of that and like how you choose to spend your time.

Mercedes Swan (46:34.612)
is not just necessarily overly giving, but it's what is the best use of your time and your talents and your tools and how you show up in your business or your career, right? And being selfish sometimes and saying, I need this to myself or hey, I need to pull back from this or hey, I know this is what's gonna make me money and what's not. Hey, that's life. You gotta build your business, girl. You gotta build your career, right? And I say that all the time. my gosh, like for women in their career.

for women in their career, I'm just like, hey, just back up. If you hear noises, that's my dog. Hi, baby. OK. If you hear noises, that's my dog. I shouldn't have said hi, baby, because now he's going want to come say hello. But hopefully, he gets this in his bed. Anyway, but I say that in career, right? You don't owe your employers anything to make sure you secure your bag and do what's best for you, right? And I think that sometimes,

particularly for Black women who are mission driven, who are passionate about what we do, who really want to help people. Sometimes that goal of like why you open the business so you can have the freedom and generate revenue rate kind of go out the window. So that's been all of the lessons for me. So if you're a Black woman who is building a business and you feel like you're over giving and you're not really centering yourself and your financial, your P&L like come talk to me girl, because we're going to get you together, okay?

telling me, but also telling multiple of my clients, right? So we got to figure this out. So I think the last thing that I want to share is now that things are getting back to normal and I hope that they do get to get back to normal. Some of the things that are on my roadmap is actually finalizing my rebranding. So I was like in the middle of that, getting my podcast updated, my website, all of the things the community is fully rebranded.

I need to get my social rebranded and make sure that I have a very clear, concise brand that I'm communicating based on each of my platforms. I think LinkedIn is going to be one of the hardest ones because I'm definitely going to take up career liberation for employer space as well as talking about career liberation for Black women. And so that one will be one of the most challenging ones. I'll be launching a brand new website for my personal brand as well as

Mercedes Swan (48:47.31)
the Career Love brand. I think I'm going to be hosting that on Beehiv for right now until I've actually fully built out the platform because there's a platform coming ladies. I have such a big vision for this and I'm really excited to see it come to fruition. But you know, that's got to get all set up okay with actual code. Not like a nice fancy website. It's going to be a whole platform for Black women.

and other marginalized communities, right, to actually be able to vet employers based on their liberatory career practices, right? So there's lots of that. I am gonna be rebalancing myself and just really ensuring that like what I am doing actually really centers myself and that I'm continually filling up that cup and yeah, continuing to scale my business. So.

Like I said, if you want more information about kind of how I even got here, like you want the pre to this, you can watch my Black Woman Bliss webinar. is linked below. And I really transparently share like the journey and like why I think it's so important for Black women to be building a business and a brand right now, because it's really what we need for...

Yes, our own personal freedom in our dreams, but really having that stability because I think what we've seen right now is that that is not the case. So welcome to the first YAP session. I did YAP for 50 minutes. That's what the recorder says. We'll see how much I trim out. And I hope that you come to the community and let me know what you think about this YAP session. Of course, if you're watching this anywhere, LinkedIn, YouTube, Spotify, Apple.

Amazon, wherever you're watching, let me know what you think. But of course, I'd love to connect with you deeper in the community space. So if you want to join that, you can learn more about that below. And I will see you all next time we have some special guests coming up. I am of course trying to do like an individual session, a gap session, don't know, a guest session, whatever, every once in a while, or I should say every once in a while to alternate them so you're getting one.

Mercedes Swan (51:04.613)
Regularly not every once in a while. I don't know how like frequent these gap sessions are This is just really been off the top of the dome. Just chatting. Um

You know what? I do want to say just one last thing.

Mercedes Swan (51:25.742)
My hatch is going off.

Mercedes Swan (51:31.288)
My hatch is going off.

Mercedes Swan (51:53.358)
Okay, cool, I got my alarm turned off. Yeah, oh, one thing I'll say before I end this YAP session is that one of the things that I've been doing, oh, do you all see the swan? Sorry, isn't it so cute? It's cute, we look alike, right? Swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, owl, that's Eugene.

Mercedes Swan (52:22.606)
Anywho, one of the things I've been watching while I've been in my depressive episode, because I was like couch rotting for like a good four days, it was really rough. I did watch so much reality TV. I watched one of the worst Married at First Sight seasons of my entire life, season 17. I watched the old one, like an old one, but I haven't watched any. was like, let me get back into that.

I watched Age of Attraction, would not recommend. It was so bad. Everything about that was cringy. I don't think there was one person that I was like, I really like you. Like I will follow you. Like I don't think so. I watched The New Love is Blind, Hot Mess of a Season. Of course I've been watching Olandria and Nick, NicOlandria Nation, okay? So that has been fun. What else did I watch? I watched a lot of True Crime. I watched so much True Crime.

I watched a whole bunch of animes. Some of them were bad. I got caught up in all of my animes. Okay, Freiren I'm up today on Jujutsu Kaisen. There was this one, because I like vampires. So I watched this one because I was like, my gosh, this could be like the vampire Knight that I had in my young age and now. And it was like something about a blood.

What was it called? A blood altar or something? I was like, this is rough. Also, Isekai, Office Worker, I'm the bean counter for, I don't know, the other universes, the other world's books depends on my accounting or something like that. They're always crazy. So I watched that and there was another one that I watched, I can't remember. It's fine. So I got through some more anime, so that was good. and Dreamlight Valley.

I play my little Switch games, so I got through my entire star path for that. What else? and I'm gonna start playing Baldur's Gate with my fiance, because he built me a new computer. It's pink and it matches my office. I'll show it to you all later. It's pink and it matches my office, and so I'm really a pink gamer now. Yeah, yeah, the setup is pink. All right, you all, I'll see you later. Love you, bye.

Mercedes Swan (54:44.946)
drop any inspiration that you feel like this, episode gave you, and I will see you all for the next episode. I should go see, I think it's to Tishayla I think our next episode is to Tishayla and she is fabulous. And we're talking about all things Black women in the workplace. So of course that's what we're talking about, but we're really talking about like the trends and the challenges and navigation workplace navigation. Okay. Bye.